Looking from afar

Sometimes I am wondering if we see the same star.
Sometimes I am wondering if you are looking for my name too.
Sometimes I am wondering if you feel the same way.
Sometimes I am wondering if you are secretly wishing for us to meet each other too.

Sometimes I wish it is not too late.

Noise

“I love you.”

I heard it clearly, so clearly like seeing myself on a pristine swamp. I looked around, looking for its essence, but I find none. The words transformed into smoke, and to smoke, it was gone.

“I love you.” He said again, a bit louder.

It is no longer a music nor a rhythm nor a melody. It is just like a noise, a noise like a creaking ceiling or a breaking window panes or an alarming clock.

“I love you too.”

The words I muttered are like a force compelling me to do what is right.

I to blame

Tom: What we are doing might be wrong but we're fuck-ups and I am a screw-up. And I plan to be a screw up to you for weeks, for months and maybe even years. So what if there is no assurance? Fuck that.
Satine: But I do not want you to do that. You have to move on.
Tom: But we're happy when we're together. Aren't we? What's wrong with being happy even if we have no assurance that everything might breaks? What's wrong with being happy with limitations?
Satine: I suddenly realize that sometimes, things are not meant to be that way.
Tom: I'm willing to take risks and I don't actually fucking care.
Satine: But we are different and everything seems not to be the same anymore.
Tom: What are you talking about? Things are still the same, we're still fuck-ups inside a screwed-up situation.
Satine: Feelings wither and sometimes you wake up realizing that what you have before is gone. And no matter how you try to remember or even try to feel anything, it is just not there anymore.
Tom: What happened? Aren't you happy anymore?
Satine: I do not know. I just want to make things right now.
Tom: But we used to be. . .
Satine: Yes, we used to be.

Hanging

I am hanging on a loose thread.
Escaping elsewhere, nowhere.
But I cannot seem to move.
Lost by your fake affections.
How can people be so cruel? Like me.
I should have make things right. . .now.

Demise

The windows closed.

       The lights turned off.

              In a span of seven minutes, everything shall fade.

Luminous moon off the sky.

       Stars jitter and die.

              Nothing shall ever be the same again.

Until Hela and I met at Niflheim.

Vintage Photograph

She stood in front of the train station together with Tonya. They have been waiting for almost an hour but no one has arrived yet. It was too cold and they were both shivering. Snowflakes were already falling and children became too delighted of its sight that they already started catching them. Their laughter is too rhythmic that she cannot help but to stare at them.

“The old times.”, she gasped while looking at the photograph she long keep in her wallet.

The photo was taken for almost four decades now. It was the only photo she had when she first went to San Francisco. Her young lips were colored by a deep red lipstick and her cheeks blushed vibrantly. Her children were so young then, now they were all grown up. She caressed the picture as if the people inside were real. Her heart started to beat because of exuberance. Perhaps few minutes from now, she could embrace them again and be with them, at last.

A train stopped and the waiting area became populated. Smiles and endearments were given everywhere. Tonya stood up on her seat and went near to her.

“Where are them? We have been waiting for so long.” Tonya grunted. She has been impatient and moody these days. “It is getting late."

She looked at a distance searching for her family, but people started to leave as the snowflakes continue to fall.

Purple Marigold

Hela: I want buff guys who plays football with nice eyes and awesome hair. Someone who would make me feel like a princess would send me roses everyday. Someone who would always take care of me. Someone who can be mine, and only mine.

Demise: Okay. Keep dreaming, I wish you luck.

Hela: So why are you always indifferent? You always ruin my moment. Why can’t you be my friends who would support me in everything I want?

Demise: I said I wish you luck. Isn’t that enough?

Hela: No, you are always like that when I talk about my dream guys or when I am hoping for a boyfriend. No wonder you never had a boyfriend or no one even dare court you.

Demise: Life is fine being single.

Hela: Life is extraordinary being in love.

Demise: Yeah, right.

Hela: Every girl dreams of having a boy and getting married someday.

Demise: No, not girls are like that. Some girls…would want…a…a…

Hela: Ah what?

A phone rang.

Hela: I have to go, HE FINALLY CALLED ME!! OMG!!! See you around!

She looked at her foot steps leaving.

Demise: I love you.

I look down

Just to see how everything seems failing.
Just to see the crickets running.
Just to see my feet unwillingly move.
Just to see the ground breaking and falling.

Tell me how to be happy.
Tell me how to smile.
Tell me how to be true.

Testify and embrace like the sun kissing the sea.

Air

Like the murmuring of waves in a faraway sea or perhaps a grieving heart, struggling to be heard. If only I could eliminate everything that hurts, but that is impossible like commanding the Earth to stop revolving. As an escapist as I might be, I would be willing to run forever, away from the talons of this system I can never annihilate. A solitary heart imprisoned in a foreign land, I wish I could set forth in the clouds and float as if nothing matters.

Programming My Heart

<style = “mindless”> Thou who interferes. and stabbed//

the white flesh in {background-color: crimson; border: none;}

Hath swiped it with <font face = “papyrus”> but the spurting of blood

continue// Nonetheless, it still beats like {musical notes;}

floating <superscript;> above the strings of violin. and <br> amplifier </br>.

Thy <ul> codes </ul> set forth like comets and burst

inside thee desktop until I saw the sky in {Line}.

the mouse clicked and <html> scripts appear

Alas! as symbols to decipher// {When-you.:: kissed.}

thy background metamorphised to <img src = “aparadiselost.jpg”>.

thy warmth//of-your embrace transformed!

<body> <ol id = “the screen”> </body> blushing and icons;

jumping inside thy windows and macs//</justified>

<br>In a world half-programmed by science</br>

Hath I not tell thee that I <3 U.

This is oldschool. Lulz. So corny.

An Attempt To Write In My Native Language

“Ala-othelo siyang naging taga-hukom ng aking pagkakababae: birhen o puta?”-linya mula kay genevieve asenjo sa kanyang tulang “trahedya ng isang birhen”. (I really find these line unforgettable and it paved way for me writing this...)

Dali-dali mo akong hinila sa isang eskinita sa may Tandang Sora. Sinubukan kong pumiglas, pero pinaso mo ako ng sigarilyong galing sa iyong bibig. Gusto kong sumigaw at umiyak.  Ramdam ko ang hapdi ng upos nitong dumampi sa aking balikat at pati na rin ang agos ng aking pigil na luha. Kasalanan ko ba? Wala akong ginawang masama.

Isa akong puta. Isa akong birhen. Isa akong babae. Anong karapatan mong humusga?

Nasadlak ako sa isang pader nang itulak mo ako. Unti-unti akong binalot ng malamig na ihip ng hangin. Humiga ako sa sahig na hindi alintana ang dumi ng lugar na ito. Putik—naramdaman ko ang putik na humahalo sa aking sikmura dahil sa pagkasuklam sa iyo. Putik na kasing dumi ng lugar na ito at kasing dumi ng pagkatao mo. Nakita kitang umupo sa tabi ko. Naamoy ko ang usok. Narinig ko ang iyong ungol. Ngunit wala akong makita. Hanggang sa ang mahinang tinig ay naging hiyaw, hiyaw na hanggang sa ako'y mamatay ay patuloy kong kasusuklaman.

Galit ako sa’yo, at sa lahat ng lalaking katulad mo. Puta. Birhen. Pare-pareho kaming babae. Sino kang hukom na mananakit sa aking pagkatao?

Nagsindi kang muli ng sigarilyo at tumayo. Iginapang mo ang iyong daliri sa aking buhok at biglang mong itong hinila. Hinanap ko ang boses ko upang sumigaw, pero kasama ng nawawala kong tinig ang sakit na dapat nararamdaman ko ngayon. Wala akong maramdaman. Binugahan mo pa ako ng usok at tinitigan hanggang binitawan mo ako. Bumalot sa akin ang naiwang usok at saka patuloy lumisan kasama ng aninong nagtatago sa iyong likuran.

Umalis ka na!

Paulit-ulit ko itong isinigaw at paulit-ulit rin ang pagtanggap ko ng sampal mula sa iyo. Hanggang sa tumigil ang lahat. Tumigil ang mga saksakyan sa pagbusina. Tumigil ang mga ale sa pagtsi-tsimisan. Tumigil ang mga bata sa pag-iyak. Tumigil ang ingay at napalitan ng nakakabinging katahimikan. Yumuko ako at hinanap ang natitirang kong sarili sa sahig. Hanggang sa narinig ko ang mga yapak mong papalayo sa akin at hindi ka na lumingon pa. Nabuhay muli ang ingay ng musika sa aking paligid. Tinanaw kitang lumisan sa aking tabi at kasabay noon, ang pagkalag ng tanikalang nakagapos sa aking mga kamay at paa.


My commentary on the patriarchal society that continuously raping the identity of us, women.

Melancholy

My heart is shattering and my tears are incontrollable every time I meet melancholy on the road. He slays like Hela but never left me bleeding. In a solitary corner, I sit and stare, wondering why grief seems hards to destroy.  I wish you could tell me when to be free.

Dream of Niagara Falls

This is superbly done, don't you think? Oh, I wish to visit Niagara falls and took a picture like that too! Hohoho!


Like an abyss of wonders that make my heart soar in bliss. I have found paradise in this hostile world we live. To dive in a cliff of tender breeze and soaked my body and soul in the infinite waters of ecstasy would be one of my dreams I am anticipating to be real.


PHOTO CREDITS FROM HERE.

Beyond Pain.

‘Cause I kept hearing the cacophonous melody, and it scratches the every fiber of my flesh. 'Cause I have been seeing the monstrosity of my futile ideas. ‘Cause I have been totally inept all along. I wonder why I cannot dare stand alone. . . Kept holding on to something. . .To someone. . .Kept giving everyone the right to manipulate the entirety of my existence. I want to escape. . .to run away. . .to be alone, until I would ascertain how to be alone.                                                     

When will I dare to grow? To believe I can…to know I am capable…

I want to explore but the invisible chains of judgmental eyes kept strangling me. . .kept imprisoning me. . .and I writhed in pain every time I tried to be emancipated.

I have been desiring to be entranced. . .to float into thin air. . .to be free, at last.

Is it beyond the possibilities?

Nightmare

I woke up feeling nauseated and heavy. I was exasperated, for a strange sensation seemed to overwhelm my being. I felt anxious about an unexplainable foreboding that something could befall any moment. I could hardly breathe, as if someone’s hands are gripping my neck. I grasped for my air while I was starting to panic. Then, as I tried to move, I noticed that I could barely lift myself from this bed. It discerned like they were thousand of ropes imprisoning me in this place, that it felt impossible to raise myself up. After a numerous attempt to get off, I gave up. I was terribly inept and I suddenly thought to screech so somebody could hear and rescue me from this madness. Perhaps my voice would be of help, but as I opened my mouth, not a single sound came out. i screamed once more and for the third time. But I remained mute and paralyzed.

—-Have you ever experienced this moment at night or during dawn? I had, so many times. and I cannot even explain what this experience is.

A Stranger Infront of Me

I remember one time when I was in school; I went in the wash room before entering my first class. I took a peak infront of the mirror just to check how worst my eye bags were. The moment my eyes laid on the smooth surface of the life-sized mirror, my mind was suddenly felt alienated with the image my eyes saw. I felt like I was looking into a different girl. Have you ever felt that? And I was like,

"Who is she?"

"Am I her?"

And I started to wonder who really I am? As I also felt like floating into a thin air. I thought of my life, and then there were flashes of events in my head. and as I look again, I was taken aback.

"Is this a dream? Is my life has been just a dream and nothing more? Who am I, really?"

I stared at the girl again. I kept pronouncing my name just for my mind to absorb that I was the girl infront of me. Hence, there is no need to be baffled about it.

Until someone entered. And so I decided just to leave and proceed to my class instead.

Is that normal? Feeling like a stranger to yourself and feeling everything is a dream?

Enigma

I dance to every rhythm I hear

I move to every beat that sounded in my heart

I glide to every melody I capture

I dance.

And it is like I am in an oblivious trance

With an endless fire that burns

I could dance forever with you

I desire.

When forever is an enigma

All I ever do is to hope

For my paramour to linger

And I love.

November Fall

A fearful gust trespasses the core of my entity,

as the calm tempests cripples inside me.

The fallen leaves of autumn rustle,

And benches remained empty.

In an afternoon of November,

I walked a path that twisted my fate.

When you sung then ceased;

when you kissed yet decieved.

A lyre was drown into its music,

but the drum beats louder;

as it eats the melody by its cacophony.

I remained motionless.

Memories are too sweet not to linger;

and our stars crashed to result the depth of my melancholy.

Quintessential Fizz

At first, asphyxiated in the talons of need.

Like snakes’ venom strangling me to death,

whenever you step forward to adieu.

I have not learned love yet.

Clinging on the fogs of ecstasy

but never seeing what it is.

Blinded by the silhouette of the steadfast,

we have never loved yet.

Until we marveled at the robins soaring high

and gazed upon a starless heaven.

Perhaps, it is an ethereal bubble,

carefully honed by our desires.

And until the dawn of the fringe of light,

we will sustain each other in a dream we have fashioned.

Forever trapped,

in a quintessential fizz.


For someone :)

Solstice

     It was a starless sky and the village was too boisterous. The children were busy making snowballs and playing along their friends; teenagers were busy making their scenes; couples torridly kissing inside their cars. It was winter solstice, and the moon was distinctly luminous.

    He was waiting for his band mates while smoking the last cigarette in his pocket. An hour passed, yet he was still alone. He started whispering cusses until he caught a glimpse of this girl who walked languidly with her frail body. hHis cell phone rang.

   She dragged her body towards the lamp post, but she collapsed. No one was there to help; she was invisible. Her eyes turned above and saw the moon. She raised her hands trying to reach for it, but she failed. It was too distant, too unreachable.