I'm Forever Wretched

Sometimes, I hold on to something that isn't there anymore. Sometimes, I cry for the things I lost. Sometimes, I am too weak. Sometimes, I just want to disappear forever.

Personalities Behind The Deck of Card

I was born on February 8, 1992, so I got four spades. This is the analysis:

Spades are confident, strong-willed and wise. Even when they are young, Spades will often act more mature than their age. These are the workers of the deck. Spades are more interested in doing their jobs well than talking about them or becoming too emotionally involved with others. Spades can be stubborn and don’t like it when others try to control them. Spades find satisfaction in careers in construction (building), broadcasting and health care. And, as the symbol of “transformation,” Spades can also be successful in industries that deal with death or dying, and mysticism. (Accurate!)

The “even” (receptive) numbers are balanced and logical, attracting things and people to them. (Accurate!)

Four is fortunate, organized and efficient. You are a hard-worker and good at bringing people and plans together. Avoid stubbornness or being small-minded. (LOL THIS IS SO NOT ME, except for being stubborn.)

I prefer this description though:

Five is adventurous, restless, and hates routine or anything that limits your freedom. As a “people person,” you are comfortable around all kinds of personalities. Learn to commit.

05.30.11-01

I dislike how Facebook works nowadays, in general. Sometimes I feel like it is no longer a social networking site but a site of flatterers, trying to build our narcissism.

05.27.11-01

• Have you ever felt disliking something because everyone is already liking it?
• What do you think of someone using other’s photo as her profile picture and literally lying to the world and even insisting that it is her picture?
• Have you ever felt being numb to almost everything?
• What do you think of people who think life is not complete without their significant other?
• Have you ever felt decapitating your professor?
• What do you think of people making silly fan pages on Facebook?
• Have you ever felt going away and starting a new life somewhere far away from home? Or time traveling just to escape the life you are living right now?
• What do you think of the idea that sarcasm is overrated?

I am fond of listing what I did and my thoughts in bullets, but yesterday I thought of putting those into questions. Lol, nothing significant I thought at first. But little did I know that I will get such a wonderful remark out of it.

I am always grateful of good comments about me, especially when they are pertaining on how my mind works and I felt the need to blog about that here. I  am just that happy when someone appreciates my ideas. You may call me shallow, but that is how I roll. Lol.


I also want to say that he is one of my few followers who gives interesting feedbacks on my posts. A big thanks for that! :)

Pico De Loro

My first hit on the beach. ~Such a super late post!~

Welcome to Pico De Loro at Hamilo Coast! A beach resort and country club located at Batangas, Philippines!

These are the views of the beach and the pool at their Beach club.

This is at their Spa Area, if I am not mistaken. I was eating a frozen yogurt that exact moment. Yeah, the resort are also selling yummy and extra creamy yogurts at their resto!

Mom posing at the display canon somewhere around the beach.

Please ignore my flabs.

My brother playing beach volleyball. He is the one wearing black shorts.

Mummy and I swimming!

My mummy posing at the bridge area. This is also around the beach.

Emo moment. LOLJK

View of the beach club lobby at night.

Waiting for our food! This is at resto around the beach club also.

Posing in front of our hotel. (Not actually OUR okay, if you know what I mean. LOL)

Near our room!

Waiting for our breakfast. This is another resto from another building of Pico de Loro.

I guess this is my picture while eating or while waiting for the food to be passed around. Lol.

After eating, we decided to have a rest. Lol. I guess this is the country club of Hamilo Coast.

After the rest, I decided to tour around. This is another swimming pool at the country club.

Another hang out place! Yes, Pico de Loro is a huge resort and country club!

I walked around alone and this photo is an evident. Lol.

Some of the places I saw. The above photo is a condominium.

I roaming around the woods. Lol. But enough of the outdoor photos. . .

Here is a picture of our hotel room. Mummy, I, Gerard and my Tito.

Sight seeing. . .

I mentioned they have a country club a while ago, so this is my brother playing billiards. The game and leisure club is so spacious. They have tennis, basketball and volleyball courts, bowling and billiards area and even a play station and Wii room! Lol. A bar is located on the upper ground where you can chill and drink!

At the parking area, on our way to the beach club to check out! Aww!

Farewell and I hope to be back soon! :) We really had a nice time and the place is so nice!

A Broken Soliloquy

I was now in the phase of exploring, of soaring into the depth of each opportunities, into the labyrinth of possibilities. Caressing every minute details carving my interests and perceiving each spark flickering inside me. I wish that soon enough in my pursuit, I will finally uncover the things meant for me. But the search is not a path, but a maze, so arduous and intricate that at some points I became lost. I was and would be gone astray for my spirit lacks brilliance at times, but that what makes me embrace liberty. Thus, the freedom to be soulful and to wander make me breathe, make me alive.

I might have stumbled often, but I am still here, and that what makes living worthwhile: the courage of standing and moving forward. Life is too fickle and hostile, but it is bittersweet as well, and that what makes people crave, love, waste and end it. It is a very exhausting quest along the woods, the oceans, the roads and the sky. We struggle and die in the chronicles of birth and demise, and no one can be certain of how things will end. But one things if for sure, it is either we keep going or we surrender in oblivion.

Someday, after living and not just existing, I want to be successful too, like all the great people I know. I do not want to be as great as them, for I can never be the next Audrey Hepburn or Salvador Dali or Coco Chanel or Arthur Rimbaud. But all I want is just want to be as thriving like them, in my own idea of success. At the end of the day, I just want to witness how the world goes in different places and to be happy, and that is my vision of triumph. I might fail in love, in marriage, in building a family and in stability, but two things I hope I will not be forsaken to are liberty of doing what I love and wandering. Those two define most the core of my entity.

Pardon My Superficiality

I have been blogging about mediocre things lately that I completely forgot my vision as a blogger. I want to give both my heart and mind in scribbling here on my low profile abode of thoughts. So tomorrow, I will start deleting all the stupid rants I posted here and would promise myself to write about sensible things. I want to start anew of something. I do not want to post another quick draft but a blog post encompassing my idea of aesthetics, literature, films and whatnot. Albeit there would be times, that I will add occasional updates of my life such as snapshots during family getaways, friends' bonding times and of course, being egocentric as always, my photos.

04.22.11-01

I want to do so many things but my means are very limited. Sad fact.

My Ninang's 45th Birthday Celebration

We ate at Emerald's Garden at Roxas Boulevard, Ermita Manila. I so love their food! The meats are so tender and the sauce is so flavorful. I will always be a fan of Chinese cuisine! :)

She is my the birthday celebrant and my favorite aunt. One thing to describe her is that, you cannot imagine how generous she is! :)

I and my mom choosing what to order from the menu. Lol.

He is my adorable grandfather! And this I think is the ugliest photo of me. Lol.

My family!<3

La Vita e Bella

I desire to hark back the sweetest moments in my life. Those captured instances as sweet as a transient smell of a rosemary or a melted chocolate in a child’s hand. Sometimes, I fancy lingering on my fleeting youth. The serene way of looking that world is as gentle as my parent’s words or as tranquil as watching the sun goes down at our backyard is one of the few things I yearn to have right now. But it is harrowing to know how there are things in life that are and will be utterly lost forever.

P.S. That was one my childhood pictures. I wish they could dress me that way again. So fetch. Lol.

Thesis

So I have been busy lately for my thesis, but all my hard works paid to nothing. Oh, wait, maybe there is a purpose, I might not have know it by now. And uhm, yes, that is how I look like at home, or sometimes I use a headband for my bangs. But anyway, I just want to share what happened in my thesis.


While I was about to do my thesis, this was what I felt last March 9, 2011.



Do you ever felt when no one or not even a thing drives you to go forward? Like living each day dragging yourself off to bed and throwing yourself in school when in fact, you just want to be sitting on a couch while watching films.
Do you ever felt not being motivated and you are just too jaded to aspire for something? Like you just want to quit all the things that make you suffer and do what makes you happy instead.
Do you ever felt that everyone seems so distant and you are there in a corner, afraid of bothering them because they would not understand? Like preferring to be alone because you refuse to be a burden to the people around you since they would not utterly see what ails you anyway.
I wish I am strong enough to keep in track.


(Oh God, forgive my drama tonight.)

This is what I blogged on Tumblr last April 29, 2011:

I have been in hell for the past few days, cramming, like a boss, to finish my thesis. My eye bags are too big to cover with a concealer and I am having pimple break out again. I hate it, but what I sincerely despise is how irresponsible I was, as usual. I should have done that last January instead of making it the last minute and passing it raw and unedited. To add more catastrophe to the incident, my mentor traveled in Japan a week before the deadline and returned the day before the thesis was due. Thus, there was not a single chance she could revise it. And to add another tragedy, I have a long exam for another subject that day and I failed to study on that test. But anyway, I still took it and I was sleeping while answering the multiple choice part in the scannable answer sheet. The unnecessary ink marks blotted on the sheet were concrete evidences that I lack consciousness while taking it.

Back to my thesis, last night I was too depressed and worried that it will be rejected because my mentor said I need to wait for the approval. (I am a pessimist like that. Lol, but it is just that I do not want to even dare expect a thing.) But today, the good news came. And being an enthusiastic kid as I am as always, the moment I saw my name was finally posted on the list of people who will have their thesis defense this April 7, I immediately posted the the confirmation file (print screened) on my Facebook wall. Yes, I did bother posting it. Lol.

Thanks friends and acquaintances! :)

Lastly, to finalize my contemplation about the given mishap, I will not be surprised if I shall only get the lowest passing mark or if I flunk. (It is a matter of acceptance, you know.) But I am happy that my mentor still accepted my trashy paper and so did the chairperson of the Literature Department. Perhaps, they were feeling merciful that time.

Anyway, Good luck and God bless to me! :)

- As you see, I was still full of hope and happy for what happened, without knowing that I might fall apart after eight days. And this is what I blogged after the thesis catastrophe:

God will not give you everything. But He will give you enough of what you really need. So this is the words of enlightenment that I usually heard ever since last Thursday because I have been crying a lot lately. I just cannot accept, perhaps until now, that for the first time ever in my life, I failed an academic subject. Yes, I failed my Thesis2 (We have individual thesis.).

I was too embittered thinking I am supposedly graduating as Cum Laude or if not, with Honors this June 2011, and then suddenly those soon-to-be actualized achievements were gone. I will no longer graduate on time and will never had any chance of getting any awards. It was too painful for me. I was a consistent dean’s lister ever since my very first term in La Salle and then during my presumably final semester, without expecting it, I would fail in a 1.5 unit subject. I really cannot stopped myself from crying few days ago. Yes, I cried, lol. Because you see, those are what I aimed most in college.

Then, I even begged for a 1.0 just for me to graduate on time, but they did not accept it. One of my panelists and my mentor kept on telling I should not settle for a passing grade, so I should aspire for more and to think I was not the only one who failed. But then, thinking the only thing that I prayed and hoped for was gone, I did not want to hear any consolation. Maybe, I just cannot recognize my defeat. And I felt how extremely inferior I am. That if only I was good, then maybe this disappointment will not occur. Although when I surprisingly blurted those words, my mentor and one of the panelists objected and said I should not be too hard on myself and began explaining to me the lists why I should not think that way.

By the bye, hearing all my friends and loved ones sympathized with me I felt solaced. And almost everyone of them told me, that I can never have everything in life. They kept on reiterating it and inside I was pondering. Graduating on time and having a graduation award are the only things that inspired me to keep myself in surviving college and that moment, I thought that was my everything. I forgot that I have so much more to thank for and I may not get those things, but there are so many good things in my life that I still have right now. And maybe in the future, there is something better for me.

So anyway, I think next term, my panelists and my mentor should be ready in accepting and criticizing my 500 page thesis. *Flips my hair. Hahaha! I should keep going and this torment shall soon pass. :)

(End of that Blog)

Until now, it is still hard for me to accept it. I get sad whenever I remembered of how far can I achieve if only this mishap never occurred. But as I mentioned before, the best thing I should do, is to keep going.

But I think, I had a very significant thing to remember after what happened. I found out that my mom, my boyfriend, two high school friends, my best friend and my two college guy friends are my only real friends. They were the only one who have shown real concern on what I felt. They were not just curious about my problem, they listened and showed sympathy. Thank you to them. At least, I know now the people whom really cares for me.

May God help me.

04.09.11-01

- I'm starting to lose everything.

03.30.11-01

I've been crying a lot this week. I haven't updated this blog for a long time because I have been spending too much time on Tumblr.

I don't know what to do.

03.11.11-01

I haven't been blogging here lately, but I dropped by just to say. . .

PLEASE PRAY FOR THE WORLD.

Yes, not only for Japan, New Zealand, Philippines etc

PRAY FOR THE REST OF US.

02.28.11-01

I am fond of helping people and I never said 'no' unless I really have an excuse, yet they do not do the same. I feel lonely about it and sometimes I get tired :( I get tired of hearing people giving me stupid excuses when I am the one who is in need. Perhaps, I should not mind and move on anyway.

02.26.11-01

I have been too tired physically and emotionally lately that I just want to lie in my bed and do nothing but think. Yes, I like thinking a lot. Even thinking of stupid things and my lame expectations. Wait, did I mention I should thank God for this blog? It is my only blog where I can share all the things without minding if others would get offended or what. And that is what I want to share right at this moment.

I quite dislike social networking sites (except Twitter) because:
1. Facebook- I just do not feel the vibe going out there now. They act in that site as if they like you, when in fact, they do not even care about you in real life.
2. Tumblr- This week a sort of a tumblr famous followed me, but I did not follow her back yet. . . because her blog is not my type. And the day after of not following her, she unfollowed me. Lol. Oh these people~ And one thing more, I dislike when people judge your blog basing on the notes and followers you have. I mean, really? But nevertheless, I like Tumblr because I learn a lot by just checking my dashboard :D

And sometimes I wish I should deactivate my sites, but I do not want to lose my blog entries, photos I posted and all that stuff. Sighs.

02.24.11-01

Got the looks? Got a multitude of connections? Got tons of cash? Very well. Prepare to take over this fucking world.

Seriously, how unfair everything could be? -_-

How many times should I eradicate my idealists thoughts because I will juts be disappointed over and over?

I used to think I can be great someday but now I am on my way to mediocrity -_- FML.

University Week

This week has been quite exciting for me <3

My best friend and I met up for our LEAP classes then we bought these pouches and rings at Yuchengco Lobby. The place seriously looked like a marketplace, but I like it so lively like that! Lol

 Both from my ever generous Tita, she also bought us Leche Flan at Conti's too! Yummm!

 My fail henna tattoo, because it just appears to be like a inked by a Pentel pen. Lol. And the font, the henna artist did not followed what I said. Tsk!

 My best friend gave me brownies! Yey!

Thrifter rings from Yuchengco lobby's tiangge! They are pretty, but not so evident since this photo has a poor resolution. Excuse my lack of a decent camera. Lol.


I have lots of hidden stories and as much as I want to blog about those things, I must not! Haha.


Lastly, here is a photo of my best friend and I during the Animo Party 2k11.

02.16.11-01

Today's life in bullets:

• Ditched school because I am sick.
• Ate a lot.
• Read then fell asleep, most of the time.
• Internet.
• Watched my favorite local TV program, I am happy.
• Texted some of my friends to know how the hell will I make my papers for tomorrow.
• Received an invitation via email from ABS CBN's Star Cinema to join a scriptwriting workshop but they are only choosing 20 among the participants all over the country. Deadline of submission of requirements is on February 25, 2011. I do not have a film concept yet -_- Maybe I can do it. . .but most probably I cannot.
• Planned to do all school works and study for my midterm exam tomorrow in Spanish.
• I have not yet done anything and it's 11pm. My class is 8 in the morning. FML.

What is happening to me? I used to be a diligent girl who aims for high grades all the time, now I am a stuck up in this life without a goal.

02.15.11-01

My life today in bullets.

• Bought some stuff at Yuchengco lobby with my best friend, Bea.
• We attended our LEAP (Lasallian Enrichment Alternative Program) class which is Cosmetology sponsored by Chemistry Society.
• Had lunch and went around at Yuchengco lobby again with my best friend.
• Went at the Library to chill.
• Meet up at Mang Inasal with some of my friends. Awkward moments are awkward.
• Humiliated myself because I suck at bowling while my teammate is as awesome as hell.
• Saw a batch mate who happened to be. . . yuh awkward moment is awkward AGAIN.
• Rode a taxi cab and a bus. Awkward moments are awkward FOR THE THIRD TIME.
• Drunk coffee, coke and vodka mud shake like a boss at 711.
• Walked around the city while holding a vodka mud shake bottle feeling I was such a bad ass like that.
• TJ fetched me. . . he was late. All the city dirt is in my face, I was annoyed.
• Duh-dum-dum-dum. Slept.
• TJ brought me home.
• Planned doing school papers but I again, I wasted my time browsing the internet for hours.