Thesis

So I have been busy lately for my thesis, but all my hard works paid to nothing. Oh, wait, maybe there is a purpose, I might not have know it by now. And uhm, yes, that is how I look like at home, or sometimes I use a headband for my bangs. But anyway, I just want to share what happened in my thesis.


While I was about to do my thesis, this was what I felt last March 9, 2011.



Do you ever felt when no one or not even a thing drives you to go forward? Like living each day dragging yourself off to bed and throwing yourself in school when in fact, you just want to be sitting on a couch while watching films.
Do you ever felt not being motivated and you are just too jaded to aspire for something? Like you just want to quit all the things that make you suffer and do what makes you happy instead.
Do you ever felt that everyone seems so distant and you are there in a corner, afraid of bothering them because they would not understand? Like preferring to be alone because you refuse to be a burden to the people around you since they would not utterly see what ails you anyway.
I wish I am strong enough to keep in track.


(Oh God, forgive my drama tonight.)

This is what I blogged on Tumblr last April 29, 2011:

I have been in hell for the past few days, cramming, like a boss, to finish my thesis. My eye bags are too big to cover with a concealer and I am having pimple break out again. I hate it, but what I sincerely despise is how irresponsible I was, as usual. I should have done that last January instead of making it the last minute and passing it raw and unedited. To add more catastrophe to the incident, my mentor traveled in Japan a week before the deadline and returned the day before the thesis was due. Thus, there was not a single chance she could revise it. And to add another tragedy, I have a long exam for another subject that day and I failed to study on that test. But anyway, I still took it and I was sleeping while answering the multiple choice part in the scannable answer sheet. The unnecessary ink marks blotted on the sheet were concrete evidences that I lack consciousness while taking it.

Back to my thesis, last night I was too depressed and worried that it will be rejected because my mentor said I need to wait for the approval. (I am a pessimist like that. Lol, but it is just that I do not want to even dare expect a thing.) But today, the good news came. And being an enthusiastic kid as I am as always, the moment I saw my name was finally posted on the list of people who will have their thesis defense this April 7, I immediately posted the the confirmation file (print screened) on my Facebook wall. Yes, I did bother posting it. Lol.

Thanks friends and acquaintances! :)

Lastly, to finalize my contemplation about the given mishap, I will not be surprised if I shall only get the lowest passing mark or if I flunk. (It is a matter of acceptance, you know.) But I am happy that my mentor still accepted my trashy paper and so did the chairperson of the Literature Department. Perhaps, they were feeling merciful that time.

Anyway, Good luck and God bless to me! :)

- As you see, I was still full of hope and happy for what happened, without knowing that I might fall apart after eight days. And this is what I blogged after the thesis catastrophe:

God will not give you everything. But He will give you enough of what you really need. So this is the words of enlightenment that I usually heard ever since last Thursday because I have been crying a lot lately. I just cannot accept, perhaps until now, that for the first time ever in my life, I failed an academic subject. Yes, I failed my Thesis2 (We have individual thesis.).

I was too embittered thinking I am supposedly graduating as Cum Laude or if not, with Honors this June 2011, and then suddenly those soon-to-be actualized achievements were gone. I will no longer graduate on time and will never had any chance of getting any awards. It was too painful for me. I was a consistent dean’s lister ever since my very first term in La Salle and then during my presumably final semester, without expecting it, I would fail in a 1.5 unit subject. I really cannot stopped myself from crying few days ago. Yes, I cried, lol. Because you see, those are what I aimed most in college.

Then, I even begged for a 1.0 just for me to graduate on time, but they did not accept it. One of my panelists and my mentor kept on telling I should not settle for a passing grade, so I should aspire for more and to think I was not the only one who failed. But then, thinking the only thing that I prayed and hoped for was gone, I did not want to hear any consolation. Maybe, I just cannot recognize my defeat. And I felt how extremely inferior I am. That if only I was good, then maybe this disappointment will not occur. Although when I surprisingly blurted those words, my mentor and one of the panelists objected and said I should not be too hard on myself and began explaining to me the lists why I should not think that way.

By the bye, hearing all my friends and loved ones sympathized with me I felt solaced. And almost everyone of them told me, that I can never have everything in life. They kept on reiterating it and inside I was pondering. Graduating on time and having a graduation award are the only things that inspired me to keep myself in surviving college and that moment, I thought that was my everything. I forgot that I have so much more to thank for and I may not get those things, but there are so many good things in my life that I still have right now. And maybe in the future, there is something better for me.

So anyway, I think next term, my panelists and my mentor should be ready in accepting and criticizing my 500 page thesis. *Flips my hair. Hahaha! I should keep going and this torment shall soon pass. :)

(End of that Blog)

Until now, it is still hard for me to accept it. I get sad whenever I remembered of how far can I achieve if only this mishap never occurred. But as I mentioned before, the best thing I should do, is to keep going.

But I think, I had a very significant thing to remember after what happened. I found out that my mom, my boyfriend, two high school friends, my best friend and my two college guy friends are my only real friends. They were the only one who have shown real concern on what I felt. They were not just curious about my problem, they listened and showed sympathy. Thank you to them. At least, I know now the people whom really cares for me.

May God help me.